A Lot Less Alone
by pinkperson
Summary: Squall is anxious about calling Laguna and confronting him after discovering the truth. Follows "Insomniac".


Squall sat on his bed with his phone in his hand, his face creased with stress. His hand trembled as he scrolled through his contacts and landed on the one he hated to dial. The one number he had sworn in the past that he'd only dial if he absolutely had to.

Laguna Loire's number.

He only had the number due to business reasons, but here he was contemplating dialing it for a much more personal reason. After having discovered on his own that Laguna was his father just three days ago, Squall had found it incredibly difficult to focus on even the simplest of tasks. He fumbled with his office work to the point that Cid had encouraged him to take a little break. He drifted off during conversations with Rinoa or anyone who spoke to him. He even ran face first into a pole yesterday on his way to the items shop in Balamb because his mind couldn't stop wandering. He had taken to avoiding people and staying in his room for long periods of time because he just couldn't accept what he'd discovered as fact.

Yet he knew all the same that it was undeniable. He didn't need Laguna or anyone else to confirm it for him.

He just _knew_.

Squall's heart thudded in his chest as his thumb hovered over Laguna's name. All it would take was for him to tap the screen and it would dial his number. And Laguna...his father...would pick up the phone and answer it in that upbeat way that he remembered he had the past few times he'd called. In fact, it seemed like he was always in a good mood no matter when Squall interacted with him. And he wasn't just upbeat, but he would often give the impression that talking to Squall was the most exciting thing in the world. It was bewildering, in a way.

Squall threw the phone aside, letting it tumble across his floor as he fell back against his bed and groaned hoarsely. He grasped tufts of his hair and stared at the ceiling, feeling agonized. He couldn't do it. There was no way that he could endure listening to that man's voice, much less actually ask if he could speak to him in person. Not after knowing the truth…

Who knew how Laguna would react to the confrontation anyway. The man was awkward as all hell. He'd probably make the experience grueling. He'd probably attempt to comfort Squall by giving him a hug or something. As though that would make up for seventeen years of anguish. The image of a guilt-ridden Laguna apologizing excessively popped into Squall's head, making him die a little inside.

He released his grip on his hair, letting his hands fall at his sides. Other thoughts began to pop up as he fought with himself internally. He still couldn't believe that, after all this time, he had found out that he had a father. The knowledge of this did something to Squall, made him feel something that he thought he never would. In a way, just knowing that he had a living father made him feel a lot less alone in the world.

Even if it was Laguna.

To Squall's disgust, he felt his eyes water for what felt like the hundredth time in just three days and he quickly rubbed at them in order to keep the tears from falling. Ever since he'd discovered the truth, he had cried to the point that his eyes had gotten red and raw from salty tears dripping from them and him rubbing them away. A part of him wanted to laugh that he was getting emotional over Laguna of all people.

For Hyne's sake, it was _Laguna_.

But there was still a part of Squall that felt deep-seeded hurt knowing that he'd been left alone for all those years, while Laguna did Hyne knows what. He didn't know the whole story, but he had a feeling that Laguna had absolutely no idea about the pain that he had unknowingly inflicted on him. In a way, Squall resented him for it. And he even hated him. The type of hate that made him wish he could tear the man into shreds.

Squall could feel himself beginning to fall apart at the seams. He hated drawing situations out and complicating things unnecessarily. He wanted to just get it over with. Delaying this any further was just going to be problematic. He was losing his mind analyzing the situation with all of his time spent alone. He might end up blowing up on Laguna in their next encounter if this wasn't resolved quickly. And frankly, he was sick of keeping this information to himself and secluding himself from people he cared about. He knew that Rinoa had definitely caught him rubbing at his sore eyes a few times. She was most likely beginning to suspect something was wrong.

Squall sat up and walked over to the phone to pick it up. Feeling jittery, he stared once more at Laguna's phone number that was still displayed on the glowing screen. He then inhaled deeply and pressed his finger against it. After just a second, it started to ring and Squall held the phone against his cheek as he exhaled. A second ring and he bit his lip as he tried to wait patiently. His heart pounded so loudly it felt like it might explode in his chest. A third ring and he began to feel as though the air had left the room. His hand that held the phone was beginning to shake.

 _It's just Laguna,_ he kept telling himself. _He's an idiot. A complete doofus. Why are you getting so worked up over an idiot?_ In fact, he was acting _just_ like…

"Hello? Squall?" Laguna answered finally on the fourth ring. "What's up? Is everything okay?"

Squall sighed and brought a hand to his forehead in relief at Laguna having finally answered the phone. But as he opened his mouth to speak, all that came out was a squeak as his voice died in his throat. He hadn't expected such a casual inquiry. He had expected Laguna to sound the way that he normally did, but it seemed like his phone call was completely unexpected and the man was confused. Maybe it was a bad time. Maybe Laguna was busy with presidential stuff. Maybe he was about to weird Laguna out.

"Squall? You there?"

"...Yeah. I'm here," Squall finally choked out. He panicked a little as he tried to figure out what to say. "So...I was just calling to see...how you're doing." Squall cursed inwardly at how stupid he sounded.

"I'm doing just fine, Squall," Laguna said, sounding pleased that he'd' asked. "Everything's A-OK in my neck of the woods. Just wish Kiros would get off my back with all my stupid paperwork." There was a pause. "Please for the love of Hyne, tell me that this isn't what this call is about? If I have to read more of that crap I think I might actually-"

"it's not about that," Squall snapped, feeling his head beginning to throb just from hearing Laguna whine. _Just get it over with_ , he told himself. He swallowed hard, mustered up his courage and went for it. "Listen, I'm just gonna be straightforward. I think we need to talk."

There was a pause as Laguna seemed to digest this. After a couple of seconds, Laguna said, "Look, Squall, I'm sorry about the other day. I didn't mean to make you freak out like that. I promise I'll lay off -"

" _Laguna_ ," Squall interrupted. "It's not that either." His pressed his phone against his hot face in an attempt to stop his hand from shaking so hard. "It's...about something else," he said not wanting to divulge too much.

"Oh, okay. Alright, well, did you wanna talk about it right now?"

"Over the phone isn't a good idea," Squall said, trying to sound casual. "It's kind of important. I think I should come to Esthar and we can talk there. In your office." He hoped he wasn't making it obvious that he knew. Feeling worried, he awaited Laguna's response.

"That sounds great!" Laguna said, sounding as though he'd been invited to a party. "You can come over later tonight if you want. Around eight o'clock should be good. I should be free then. I gave a speech earlier today and it was basically all I had to do all day. Besides the usual office stuff, I mean. So yeah, I'll be free tonight," Laguna babbled.

"Right," Squall said, wanting to end the phone call as quickly as possible. Still, he couldn't help but feel relieved that Laguna didn't seem to suspect what he wanted to talk to him about. Then again, maybe he shouldn't be surprised about that. "Well, I guess I'll see you then."

Squall hung up the phone quickly before Laguna could even say goodbye, and he threw the phone aside once more, this time onto his bed. He rubbed at his face hating that he was blushing due to the emotions he felt while talking to Laguna. Was it embarrassment that he felt? Or was it something else? He was completely unused to feeling like this. Why was he letting this get to him? He hated emoting or feeling more than was necessary, and yet here he was, a nervous wreck.

Squall sat on his bed and inhaled and exhaled deeply, hoping it would calm his nerves. He kept trying to tell himself that it was just Laguna. That it was the idiot from those dreams. But no matter how many times he told himself this, there was only one thing in the back of his mind. That it wasn't _just_ Laguna. No, not anymore.

Now it was his father.


End file.
